Happy Christmas, RichardIII1955!
by Madiella
Summary: After the Allfather, Odin, is temporarily indisposed, it falls to Thor, Loki and Sigyn to take over his duties and travel the world on Christmas Eve, delivering presents to the good and bad citizens of Midgard. However, things do not go as planned! Crack, AU, OOC, rated M for profanity, my Christmas present to RichardIII1955.


Happy Christmas RichardIII1955! Thank you for your support over the year, and I hope you enjoy the story I wrote for you!

 _Summary: After the Allfather, Odin, is temporarily indisposed, it falls to Thor, Loki and Sigyn to take over his duties and travel the world on Christmas Eve, delivering presents to the good and bad citizens of Midgard. However, things do not go as planned!_

 _Takes place in Richard's Back To School! universe._

* * *

"What do you mean, he has a cold?" frowned Thor. The expression on his face was that of a disappointed child, despite the fact that he was several hundred years old and therefore a grown man in Asgardian years. "That's not like father, he wouldn't let a cold stop him delivering presents to all the children of Midgard."

Frigga sighed, and tucked a stray curl of hair back into her elaborate plait. "I insisted, Thor. He needed to rest, he's been working so hard this year. I worry that the cold air might get to him."

Loki glanced over from where he lounged on the sofa. The sofa was beside the fire, and he was currently enjoying the warmth and comfort whilst sipping mulled wine from a goblet, and debating what mischief to get up to the following morning. But the current conversation between his adoptive mother and brother intrigued him. "So, who is going to deliver all the presents to all the children?"

Frigga glanced across from Thor, standing in front of her, to Loki where he lounged on the sofa. "Well, I did wonder if…"

"If what, mother?" asked Thor, curiously tilting his head.

"If perhaps you two would do it," suggested Frigga.

Loki's pale face turned even paler. "What?" he stated.

"Excellent idea!" Thor beamed. He hugged his mother, before turning to Loki. "Come on, brother, it'll be fun."

Loki stared at him, and then deadpanned. "It's not fun."

"It's loads of fun!"

"I've been once when we were children, I have no desire to go again. I'm not delivering presents," Loki folded his arms firmly.

"Come on, Loki, you'll love it!" Thor practically bounced on the spot.

"I won't love it."

"You'll love it even more than 'Get Help!'"

"I don't even like 'Get Help!'" scorned Loki.

"Loki, would you please help your brother? The last thing I want is for him to get into trouble while he's out on his own at night," said Frigga.

Loki could hardly resist his mother's warm, maternal, caring eyes. She loved them both so much, and Loki knew that. She rarely ever asked anything of them, and so whenever she did, Loki always felt…well, like he had to do it. He tilted his head to the side reluctantly, then glanced back up at her. "…fine."

"That's my good boy!" Frigga beamed. "I'm proud of you, Loki."

Loki cringed and shuddered. The night was a recipe for a disaster…Thor would be overzealous driving the sleigh, leaving Loki to cower in the back of the sleigh in horror the whole time. And Loki knew that if he banished Thor to the back of the sleigh, and took the reins himself, then he would have to be responsible for not crashing it into one of the Midgardian houses.

"And, just to give you an extra pair of hands, Sigyn has also offered to come with you!"

"Wait, what?" Loki frowned. "You mean, you already thought of this and volunteered us to ride the sleigh before asking us?!"

"Of course I did, because I knew my boys would never let me down," Frigga smiled.

Loki collapsed back on the sofa with a dramatic groan, and covered his face with his hands. Thor, however, jumped up and down excitedly. He reached down, and grabbed Loki's shirt, pulling him upright.

"Let's get to it then!"

"Make sure you boys wrap up warm," said Frigga, bustling across the room to tuck a green woollen scarf around Loki's neck, and then a red one another Thor's. "It's going to be cold out there."

"Yes, mother!" said Thor.

"Take a hot drink with you," Frigga handed them two flasks, and then smiled. "Most importantly, have fun! Loki, no mischief!"

"As if I would," Loki folded his arms.

"I know you would," said Frigga. "Behave yourself and listen to what Thor says!"

"He will, mother!" Thor grabbed hold of Loki, and then practically ran him out of the room, down the corridors, through the entrance, to where the sleigh waited, full of toys. Sleipnir, Loki's eight-legged horse son, was harnessed to the front, and sitting inside the sleigh, sat Sigyn wrapped up in a festive burgundy cloak with black fur lining.

"Really, Thor? We're making Sleipnir pull us?" Loki scowled.

"He's the fastest horse in all the nine realms, of course we're taking him! Father always does!" Thor patted Sleipnir's nose.

"He's my son, I should be tucking him up in bed and reading him a bedtime stories and telling him about how Santa is going to visit him for being a good boy."

"Loki…he's a horse."

Loki put his hands on his hips. "I know he's a horse, but he's still my son!"

"Get in the sleigh," commanded Thor.

"Like hell I will!"

Thor shoved Loki into the back of the sleigh. Loki landed against the piles of presents with an "oof!" and then scrambled upright, desperate to see what kind of chaos this would be with Thor driving. Thor took the reins, gave them a shake, and then Sleipnir kicked off, launching into the sky and pulling the sleigh along with them.

"Bye boys! Bye Sigyn, dear!" called Frigga from her balcony.

"Bye mother!" Thor waved.

"Goodbye Allmother!" Sigyn waved.

"I want to come back all in one piece!" yelled Loki. Thor gave another shake of the reins, and Sleipnir galloped into the air, ascending in multitudes. They were flying over the rainbow bridge, towards the Bifrost, which was open and waiting for them. Heimdall waved as they passed by. Thor gave him a hearty wave and Sigyn smiled, whereas Loki put his middle finger up.

"I'm so glad you decided to join us, Loki," said Sigyn, pulling out a thick, heavy book with gold lettering on from inside her cloak.

"Decided to join? I was coerced!" complained Loki.

Sigyn just laughed. Loki looked at her for a while, then turned back to face the Bifrost. Thor was directing Sleipnir straight into the portal.

"Thor, be careful going through the Bifrost!" shouted Loki.

"I am careful!"

"If you're being careful, then why is the whole sleigh shaking?"

"It's supposed to shake!"

"What, like it's about to tip up and drop us in the ocean?"

"It's the weight of the presents, it'll get easier once we've dropped a load!" shrugged Thor.

"Of course it will – AAAAARGH!" Loki shrieked, as the sleigh swirled into the Bifrost. He felt himself being thrown around the sleigh, being chucked against the presents, smashing into Sigyn, until eventually he felt the whole sleigh surging towards the ground.

"THOR!" he screamed. "LIFT THE REINS! WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!"

Thor simply chuckled with laughter. Loki wondered what the hell he was playing at. Thor lifted the reins, and then just before they hit the ground, Sleipnir rose again, and they were soaring over the houses of Midgard.

"That was bloody ridiculous!" Loki scolded.

"Tell me you wouldn't have done better," retorted Thor. "Now, Sigyn, my dear, where is our first stop?"

Sigyn opened up the book she was carrying. "It says here…Middleham! Where our friends live!"

"Oh joy," Loki sighed, settling back against the seat. "What have they all done this year?"

"Well, it says here, that Tybalt Capulet has been very naughty this year," replied Sigyn.

"Figures," said Loki.

"Down here, it says that Elizabeth Woodville wants a lovely, family photograph to put above the mantelpiece."

"And have we got a photograph for her?"

"Ned sent it up for us to deliver a few days ago," replied Sigyn. "With instructions to put it up above her bed."

"Not the mantelpiece?" frowned Loki.

"No, definitely her bed," said Sigyn.

"What about the rest of the Yorks?"

"Well, it says that Ned and George have been naughty, but Edmund and Richard have been good," Sigyn flicked through the book. "Their children have all been good however."

"How about the Lancaster house?"

"At the Lancastrian house, Hal, Harry and Tudor have been good, but Edouard has been very naughty," said Sigyn.

"The others?"

"Mercutio has been really naughty, but Romeo has been good, and Benvolio has been very good," said Sigyn.

"Mercutio is always naughty," Loki replied.

"George Milton has been good, Lennie Small has been good, however Hyde has been really, really naughty," Sigyn read aloud.

"Hyde is always naughty. He's Hyde!"

Sigyn slammed shut the book. "Then hopefully we should have a very easy evening! I wonder how Allfather manages to get around the whole world in such a short space of time."

At that, Thor led Sleipnir to the top of a house that was painted white, with matching white rose bushes around the garden. They even had a matching wreath hanging on the front door, full of holly leaves and white roses. They had hung Christmas lights up outside, glinting icicle white, to match snow, though there wasn't any snow because it was England.

"York House!" announced Thor proudly. He turned to face Loki. "That wasn't so bad now, was it brother?"

"I have motion sickness," complained Loki.

"Let's just get the presents and get down the chimney," said Sigyn.

"The chimney?" Loki repeated. "We actually have to go down the chimney? How will the presents even fit? And more importantly, how in the nine realms is Thor going to fit?"

"I'm not going down the chimney," replied Thor. "You're going down the chimney!"

"What? Why has it got to be me?" demanded Loki.

"Don't worry, Sigyn will be with you!" Thor beamed. He clamoured over to the back of the sleigh, and started to pull out presents. "For Ned, Edmund, Clarence, Richard, and then all the kids! Oh, and here is Elizabeth's present."

Loki stared at the large canvas he had been presented with. "How is this even going to fit?!"

"You and Sigyn are going down the chimney, then you'll open the door, and I'll come in," said Thor.

"Brilliant," Loki grunted. He turned to the chimney, and climbed atop. He dangled one foot down the pitch black hole warily. This was a bad idea. A really, stupid, bad idea. Even he, the God of Mischief and Lies, knew that much

He lowered his feet into the hole, whilst holding onto the outside of the chimney. Finally, he was submerged in the York's chimney. Loki let go of the edge, and them plummeted to the ground.

"AAAAAARGH!" he shrieked, tumbling into the front room of the York's manor.

"Loki, be quiet, we don't want to wake up the kids!" Sigyn landed gracefully after him. She climbed upright, and then opened the door to Thor, who strolled in leisurely carrying the presents.

"Right, let's arrange them all under the tree," said Thor. "Here's one for Papa York himself, one for Proud Cis, and then Ned, Edmund, Clarence, Richard…"

Loki began to spread the presents out under the tree, and then Thor held up the wrapped canvas.

"What are we going to do with that?" asked Loki.

"We have to put it up over Elizabeth's bed!" replied Thor.

"No way! We'll wake them up like that, banging and putting nails in the wall! Let's leave it here under the tree, Ned can do his own DIY," retorted Loki.

"No, it's very firmly written in the book it has to go over the bed!" replied Thor. "Come on!"

Thor charged up the stairs.

"Thor! Thor! Are you mad!" hissed Loki. "Stop stamping!"

Thor opened the first door. "There's the Duke…aww, he's cuddling his wife, how sweet that they're old and still in love! Anyway, next door!"

Thor opened the second door, only to be assaulted by Clarence snoring. He turned to the third, to see Edmund sleeping soundly, curled into a ball with the blankets tucked around himself firmly.

"You two, check the other side!" instructed Thor.

Loki opened the first door, to find Richard sleeping on his back, one hand lying across his stomach, the other flung back on the pillow. Anne Neville lay on her front beside him, with one arm flung across Richard as well. Their son Neddy was snuggled up beside his dad, wearing a white sleeping suit and sucking a dummy.

"Be careful, don't wake the baby!" Sigyn instructed, closing the door gently.

Loki opened the next door, to see one of York's daughters. He opened the next door, and there was Ned, lying in bed, snoring slightly. Elizabeth Woodville was in bed with him, sleeping on her side with her back turned to him. She had pulled the blanket up to her ears, evidently to stifle the snoring.

"Bingo!" whispered Thor. He tiptoed in, carrying the canvas, to find the hooks already in the wall.

"Thor, be quiet!" pleaded Loki.

Ned gave a loud grunt, and then settled back into a rhythm. Loki's breath hitched with anticipation, as Thor lifted the canvas above both Ned and Elizabeth's heads, and rested it against the hooks in the wall.

"Thor!" chirped a voice.

What?

Loki quickly looked around to find Ned's second son, Richard, standing up in a crib on the other side of the room, his hands clasping the bars of the side of the cot for support.

"Thor!" chirped Richie.

"That's right, hi baby!" Thor cooed. "Go back to sleep!"

"Thor, no, don't talk to it! Don't encourage it!" Loki protested, tugging at his long black hair.

"It's just a baby!" Thor finished attaching the canvas to the wall. "What do you think?"

"Great, now let's go before they all wake up!" Loki instructed.

"Loki!" chirped Richie. "Thor! Loki!"

"Come on, Thor!" Loki repeated. Thor tiptoed across the room, and out the door. Loki quickly shut the door, and began to run down the stairs to meet Sigyn. "Quick, back up on the roof, Ned's kid spotted us!"

They ran out the front door, closing it as they left, and then scaled up the drainpipes to the roof, where Sleipnir waited with the sleigh full of presents.

"In the sleigh!" instructed Loki. They all jumped in, Thor shook the reigns, and then they were off again, soaring over Middleham.

"Where next?" called Thor.

Sigyn flipped open the book. "Capulet Manor!"

"Righto!" Thor directed the sleigh down the streets, before landing on top of Capulet Manor. Sigyn and Loki tumbled out, before diving into the sack of presents, and grabbing all the Capulets' presents. As before, Loki and Sigyn were forced to go down the chimney while Thor was let in through the door. But this time, something was different.

Loki tumbled down the chimney, only to land in front of the Capulets and their guests sitting around clutching drinks. Christmas music was blasting, and some of the guests were standing up and dancing.

"Heeeeyyy it's Loki!" greeted Hermia. Her eyes were bright and her cheeks were flushed. "Are you here for my Christmas party?"

By her side, Geoffrey burst out laughing. Loki didn't realise for a second, before he noticed the thick black layer of soot covering both him and Sigyn.

"Yes, that's…right!" he lied. The last thing he needed was for them to all guess that he was a Norse god and he was actually fulfilling the role of the Allfather in delivering everybody's presents tonight.

"Woohoo, party time!" shrieked Mercutio. He held out his bottle. "Fancy some wine?"

"Ah, sure," Loki took a sip, before passing it to Sigyn.

"We're playing some festive party games," explained Juliet. "Who fancies a game of Twister?"

"Sounds…fun!" Loki lied. "I tell you what, Sigyn, you play Twister, I just need some…some fresh air!"

"Right!" said Sigyn. "I love, erm, Twister."

"Great! Ben, get the Twister map out!" instructed Hermia.

Meanwhile, Loki ran to the front door and opened it to let Thor in. Thor was carrying all the presents.

"Thor," warned Loki. "They're awake."

"They're awake?" Thor asked.

"Yes, I just got Sigyn to play Twister with them to distract them, and I thought we could put the presents under the tree while they're not looking, and then we make a dash for it!"

Loki glanced around quickly, to spot the Capulets, their guests, and Sigyn now playing Twister. He grabbed the sack of coal for Tybalt, and then quickly tiptoed across the room, ducking behind the sofa so they couldn't see him, and then weaving around the coffee table. He laid it under the tree, then ran back, where Thor handed him a present for Juliet. He ran across the room again, laid it next to the sack of the coal, all the whilst Sigyn kept everyone occupied playing Twister.

Loki had just grabbed hold of Hermia's present, when the pile of people playing Twister collapsed in a laughing heap.

"That was…that was hilarious!" laughed Sigyn. "I've never played that before!"

"Have you not?" asked Juliet. "It's a classic!"

"What else haven't you played?" asked Romeo.

"Hmm…I've never tried…Jenga!" Sigyn announced. Loki could tell that she had no idea what Jenga was and was just randomly shouting the name of a party game.

"We'll play that then!" decided Geoff, reaching for the pack.

"Go!" mouthed Thor.

Loki ran across the room, and placed Hermia's present below the tree. He ran back out the house with Thor, and then looked in through the window at Sigyn being taught to play Jenga by Geoff. He stared, hoping she'd turn and face him and get the message that they had to leave.

Eventually, Sigyn glanced up at him.

"Come on!" mouthed Loki.

"Sorry, everyone, I have to go, as, um, my parents have dinner ready!" lied Sigyn, leaping up.

"Oh, so soon?" asked Mercutio. "Tell them we're playing!"

"Sorry, they're kind of strict," Sigyn ran out the door and rejoined the boys. They climbed the roof, back in the sleigh, and then they were off.

"Where next?" asked Loki.

"George Milton and Lennie Small," Sigyn read out. "And also…Hyde."

"Oh this will be fun," groaned Loki.

"Hyde's sack of coal has to be the largest," Sigyn poked it. The coals clinked inside the sack. "At least the sleigh will be lighter now."

"True," agreed Loki. "And at least Thor won't have an excuse for his terrible sleigh driving."

"Shut up!" Thor shook the reins, so that Sleipnir picked up the pace and soared through the sky. Loki was violently thrown back against the back of the sleigh again, winding him.

"Thor, the pranks I will play on you as soon as we're back in Asgard…" he growled.

"Here we are!" Thor parked the sleigh on top of George's house. They climbed out, and Sigyn picked up the wrapped up cuddly rabbit for Lennie, Thor picked up the coal for Hyde, and Loki picked up George's present. They looked around.

"This house doesn't have a chimney!" groaned Loki.

"Great, we're stranded!" complained Thor.

"I suppose we'll have to get in by the window," said Sigyn.

"Right, let's get down and try that," agreed Loki. They climbed off the roof, and landed in the backyard. Thor tried the back door, to no success, and then they wandered around the front, also with no success.

"Guess we'll just have to force our way in," said Thor. He took off his shoe and smashed the first window.

"Thor! Are you mad?!" Loki yelped.

"What?" asked Thor, reaching in and unlocking the door.

"You've just smashed Hyde's front room window, he'll go crazy!" Loki nearly yelled.

"Why would he care?"

"Because now people can get in his house and rob him!"

"If people try to get to his house, then he has some readymade murder victims! He'll like that!" Thor walked in through the door, and then put down the sack of coal for Hyde under the tree. Sigyn laid down the cuddly rabbit for Lennie, and then Loki put down George's present.

"We better clean this up as best we can, I don't think it's far on George to have to wake up to a trashed window," replied Sigyn.

"You're right," Loki gave a click of his fingers, and then the broken glass was gone.

They turned to look at the now empty window pane.

"I suppose we could sort that out," said Loki. "I could transform a rock in the garden to glass and stick in the pane, what do you think, Thor?"

"Go for it, brother," replied Thor.

"Sigyn, what about you?"

"Hggh!" replied Sigyn.

"Wha…?" Loki spun around to spot Hyde clutching Sigyn in a headlock and holding a knife to her throat. "OH HELL NO! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMAN!"

"I wanted a gun for Christmas, not a boring sack of coal!" Hyde spat. "And why has… _he_ got a present?"

"You mean George?" asked Loki, glancing back at the presents they'd laid under the tree. "Because he's been good!"

"No, the imbecile!" Hyde retorted.

"What, Lennie?" asked Thor. "Because he's been good too! Now let Sigyn go!"

"I want my gun!" pouted Hyde. "Why can't I have a gun?"

"Because you haven't been good!"

"But I have been good!" Hyde insisted. "Good at murdering, killing, beating, punching, kicking, biting, fucking-"

"That's enough!" Loki interrupted. "Let Sigyn go!"

"But she's so pretty, I'd love to see how pretty her neck is with my knife in it," purred Hyde. He lowered his lips to Sigyn's ear. "Wouldn't you too, dear?"

At that, Sigyn kicked backwards at Hyde's crotch. Hyde let go, dropping the knife as he fell back into the armchair.

"Owww!" protested Hyde. "I was only playing! I wouldn't really have cut her throat!"

"Don't even joke," Sigyn snapped. "Fix your own window."

"Yeah," added Loki.

"What she said," added Thor. They walked out the door, and climbed the roof, getting back in the sleigh, before taking off quickly.

"What a creep," Loki shuddered. "Where next?"

Sigyn massaged her neck, and then reached for the book. "Ok, so next should be the Lancaster house."

"Oh good, then we can get rid of Edouard's coal. I think there's even more than Hyde's," Loki gave it a poke. The sleigh already felt much lighter now they had dropped Hyde's coal off, but Loki was looking forward to having some more breathing room in the back.

Thor guided Sleipnir along the streets again, before landing on top of the Lancaster's house. The Lancasterians had decorated their house in red and gold Christmas lights, complete with a singing Santa by the front door. On the roof of the house, they'd also had a giant, light up red star, but a few days ago Ned and Clarence had snuck over, climbed the roof, pulled it off and were currently holding it ransom.

None of the Lancasters had coughed up yet.

Thor landed the sleigh, and they all climbed up. Loki and Sigyn picked up all the presents for Hal, Harry, Tudor, as well as the younger members of the family, and then Thor picked up the coal for Edouard. Even though Thor was strong and able to wield Mjolnir, he struggled under the weight of all the coal that was for Edouard.

Clearly Edouard had been very naughty.

Thor flung the coal down the chimney, then descended after it. Loki and Sigyn followed, carrying the presents. They landed in the front room, which contained a tree full of more red decorations. Harry had hung up a load of crosses, as well as laid out a nativity scene in one of the window bays.

"That looks a bit boring," stated Loki. "Why have a nativity scene when you can have a shrine to the real gods, like us?"

"Loki, leave it!" warned Sigyn.

"All right, presents down!" instructed Thor.

Loki and Sigyn laid out the presents for the nice Lancastrians, whilst Thor dragged Edouard's goal into place. Then he picked up the stockings for the children, and they all snuck upstairs to find the right room.

"Here's Margaret of Anjou's room," said Loki, peering in. Margaret was sleeping in red silk sheets and next to a man who definitely didn't look like her husband.

Sigyn, the Goddess of Loyality and Fidelity, couldn't resist leaving a lump of coal on Margaret's bedside table for that.

They tiptoed through the house, and laid down the presents. In Edouard's room, Thor laid down a stocking full of coal, and with that, they were done.

"Ready?" whispered Sigyn.

"Let's go. We've still got the rest of the world to do!" replied Thor.

They tiptoed back down to the living room, and began to climb back up the chimney. Thor went first, then Sigyn, and then Loki. But before Loki left, he pointed a finger at Harry's nativity set, transforming it into a traditional Nordic shrine to him, including some of his favourite offerings. With a snicker, he climbed into the fireplace, and shimmied back up the chimney.

* * *

 _The next day…_

"Do you all like your presents kids?" asked Ned.

"Yes daddy! Thank you!" shrieked Lizzie, hugging him.

"You're welcome sweetheart," Ned ruffled Lizzie's hair.

"Loki! Thor!" babbled Richie.

"Why does he keep saying Loki and Thor, over and over again?" asked Clarence.

"I have no idea," replied Ned.

"Saw dem! Saw dem!" the baby cooed.

"Here, baby, come and get your present from your Uncle Edmund!" Edmund held out a brightly wrapped present, and soon Ned's youngest son had forgotten his babbling as he ran over to his uncle.

"So, what have you got me?" asked Elizabeth, as all the children ran amok with their presents in the front room.

"It's upstairs," replied Ned. "It's been put up already by Santa, as a surprise. Didn't you see it this morning?"

"No, it was rather dark at 4am when all the kids came marching in to wake up," replied Elizabeth.

"Well, let's go and open it then!" said Ned. "Family! Upstairs! Bess wants to open her present!"

The whole York family trooped up the stairs and into Ned and Elizabeth's room. Ned presented the wrapped canvas hanging above the bed.

"Oooh, is it what I think it is?" Elizabeth asked delightedly.

"I think it might be!" Ned replied.

"He looks pleased with himself… _too_ pleased with himself if you know what I mean," Richard muttered to Anne.

Elizabeth stepped forwards, and with a tug, ripped off the wrapping paper.

"WHAT. IS. THAT?"

The whole family roared with laughter. Instead of the 'lovely family photo' that Elizabeth had asked for, instead was a canvas print of Ned lounging in the same position as Adam in Michaelangelo's _The Creation of Adam,_ wearing absolutely nothing apart from a crown on his head and the symbol of a white rose over his crotch. His body had been painted to enhanced physical perfection, with sculpted muscles defined across his whole form, including a six pack.

"Oh Ned!" scolded Cecily, but she was laughing too.

"What do you mean?" asked Ned.

"WHAT EVEN IS IT?!" demanded Elizabeth.

"It's a masterpiece!" protested Ned.

"Why is it above the bed?" Elizabeth demanded again.

"Because…it's the perfect thing to put above the bed, isn't it?" asked Ned.

"WHAT? AND YOU THINK THAT'S MEANT TO BE EROTIC?"

"Yeah!" Ned grinned.

"One!" Elizabeth marched across the room and then jabbed a finger at the picture. "Why have you got a white rose as your crown jewels?"

"Just keeping it family friendly!"

"Two!" Elizabeth pointed again. "Six pack! You don't have a six pack! Maybe when I first met you a decade ago but definitely not now!"

"Harsh," stated George.

"Look at my arms," Ned beamed happily. He pointed at heavily sculpted muscled arms of the painted Edward. "Look at my arms!"

"What on earth happened, in your head, what was going through your mind, when I said, that I wanted a family photo, and then you…you put a SHRINE of yourself above my lovely bed?" demanded Elizabeth.

"Yeah, where did you get it done, Ned? I want to get one for Isabel!" announced George.

"No thanks," Isabel rolled her eyes.

"Well…" Ned grinned. "You know Mercutio likes painting."

"Yes, I do know Mercutio likes painting, especially after he repainted my car orange," replied Elizabeth.

"He said, if I ever wanted anything done, anything personalised, he'd be happy to do it," said Ned. "So I asked him to paint me a masterpiece. He's signed it and everything. Look how beautiful it is!"

"Ned…it's nothing like you!" Elizabeth shook her head. "You don't have a six pack! It's not staying there!"

"It is staying there!"

"It's not staying there!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT TO BE A LOVELY FAMILY PHOTO!" Elizabeth screamed.

Meanwhile the family had continued to cluster round and laugh, with Edmund taking several pictures on his phone and uploading them to his Facebook page for everyone to look at and laugh at. Richie clamoured up on the bed, and crawled over for a closer look.

Ned bent down to his son. "You can have that, mate, in the will, when I'm gone. Once your grandpa has died, and I've died, and your big brother gets the York title and all the money, you can have that. You want it, don't you? When I'm gone?"

Richie nodded eagerly.

"He nodded!" Ned announced. "Did you all see him nod? He likes it!"

"He does not!" scoffed Elizabeth. She bent down to her son, and stroked his hair. "What do you think of that, baby?"

"Love it!" chirped Richie. "Love it!"

"He said love it! He said love it!" Ned howled with laughter, then scooped up his son, plonking a kiss on his cheek. "Good boy!"

* * *

 _At the Lancaster House…_

"WHY HAVE I GOT COAL?! AGAIN?! WHY DO ALL I GET IS COAL?!" screamed Edouard throughout the entire house.

"Shut up!" yelled Tudor.

"What Tudor said!" added Hal.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that Christmas is all about celebrating being together and the birth of Christ?" asked Harry.

"You, a thousand times, but I don't care," replied Edouard. He shoved open his mother's door, and the rest of the family heard him whining to her.

With a shrug, Hal guided all the children in the house along with Harry and Tudor to the living room. The kids gasped, and then immediately rushed to their presents, ripping off the wrapping paper and then squealing with delight.

Harry suddenly gasped.

"What is it, Harry?" asked Hal, as he poured himself a glass of mulled wine.

"Where's my nativity scene?" asked Harry. "Where's it gone? It was right there, by the window, but now…now there's a table with all these runes on it!"

"They look Nordic!" stated Tudor.

"Hmm," Hal frowned. He patted Harry's shoulder. "Don't worry, we'll find it. If not, I'll get you another one."

* * *

 _At George Milton's House…_

George trudged downstairs, only to discover Hyde sitting in the armchair cleaning his knife, and a burglar lying dead on the floor. The window pane of the front room was also missing.

"Need I ask…?"

"Merry Christmas darling!" greeted Hyde. "Here's your present! This fucker tried to rob the shit out of us, so I killed him for you."

"Thanks, Hyde. Thanks a lot."

* * *

 _In the Capulet Manor…_

No one moved. They were all hungover. And no one had noticed the arrival of the presents.

* * *

 _In Asgard…_

Loki staggered through the doorway, feeling travel sick.

"That wasn't so bad now, was it brother?" Thor strode up behind Loki and then wrapped his arm around his brother's shoulders proudly.

"I want to go to bed," moaned Loki.

"All right, let's go to bed, kitty," said Sigyn.

Thor turned, and began to undo the harness on Sleipnir. He patted the eight-legged horse's nose. "Good work, boy, now go and relax."

"He's not _'boy,'_ his name is Sleipnir!" corrected Loki.

He, Sigyn and Thor made their way back into the Asgard palace, and up to their chambers. They were greeted by Frigga, who gave each of them a hug.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"Excellent, mother!" replied Thor.

"No mischief?" Frigga asked Loki.

"None at all," lied Loki.

"Are you sure about that?" asked Frigga.

"Would I lie to you, mother?" asked Loki.

"Yes," added Thor.

"I caused no mischief! Tell her, Thor!" insisted Loki.

"We'll find out when we go back to school, and everyone talks about what a weird Christmas they had," said Thor.

"As you say," Loki rolled his eyes, before collapsing through his bedroom door and onto his bed. Sigyn snuggled up beside him, and Loki wrapped his arm around her. As the exhaustion from climbing up and down several chimneys finally caught up with them, Loki allowed his eyes to drift shut and to escape into sleep.


End file.
